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Jan. 16, 2021, 6:33 p.m. EST

So much of retirement planning is wishful thinking — what I’ve learned after 3 years of actually being retired

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By Chris Mamula

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There is a good reason you’re not already doing that thing. It is not a priority in your life. If you want things to change, you need to own that.

If you plan to start exercising, meditating, or eating better when you retire, start now!

If you plan to become a better spouse, parent, child, or friend when you retire, start now!

If you are going to try that hobby, develop that new skill, or learn that foreign language you’ve always wanted to when you retire, start now!

If you want to travel in retirement, start traveling now! (OK, you might want to wait a little bit on that one until it’s safe, but I think you get the point.)

So much of retirement planning is wishful thinking. I was guilty of it, and I commit to being brutally honest about it in my writing so I don’t contribute to spreading that mindset to others. I encourage you to start building your best life today,  even if you can’t retire yet .

Change is hard. That’s why it is important to be brutally honest about the stories you create to explain why you’re not already doing the things you say you want to do and know you should .

When I wrote about my first year of early retirement, I wrote about not volunteering or rock climbing more as I said I would when I had more time. But honestly, those are trivial compared to what I was thinking but was afraid to write. 

Throughout our careers, Kim and I had a good marriage. I wanted a great marriage. I used the busyness of work as an excuse for why we didn’t already have that. Things would be better when… That was my story.

In reality, financial independence and early retirement didn’t fix us. It almost broke us. Achieving our financial goals took away a unifying mission. It also eliminated our excuses.

After 2 1/2 years of ups and downs, we finally decided to get honest.  And get help . We each stopped trying to change the others’ faults that were so blatantly obvious. Instead, we each learned to look inward, see our own faults, and change ourselves.

To be clear, it was beneficial to have the financial resources and time to do this brutally hard work at this stage in life. To be equally clear, it would have been much easier to do this without the 20 years of baggage we were carrying.

There’s an old Chinese proverb. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now. If there are changes you’ve been waiting to make, stop waiting. Get to work.

I’ve always had a practice of gratitude. Kim and I prioritize teaching that to our daughter. We regularly give thanks for family, our health, the beauty of nature and our good financial position.

If there is one overriding lesson I’ve learned this year, it is to be grateful for everything. All of it.

We are a community of planners. Translation: we’re control freaks. We try to optimize things. We create backup plans for our backup plans.

This year I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy being angry at things I can’t control. 

And all of my anger left me in the exact same place… and exhausted. 

In her book “ Loving What Is ,” Bryon Katie writes that there are only three types of business in the world; my business, your business and God’s business. This past year has taught me to live in my business and avoid spending time in the other two. They only lead to suffering. 

There are many uncertainties baked into retirement planning. Life is uncertain. We control freaks need to learn to not only accept, but be grateful for, those things we can’t control. 

You can disagree with me on this last lesson. Many of you will. Good luck with that!

Chris Mamula retired from a career as a physical therapist at age 41. This is an abridged version of his post “5 Lessons From 3 Years of Early Retirement” first published on the blog “Can I Retire Yet?

Now read: I ran the tax numbers for a semi-retired life, and they look amazing

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